Yes hello I will be posting here

Why are you posting this?

Because it’s been almost a week and I’ve had time to collect my thoughts about what’s been said surrounding me, personally. My understanding based on discussion with others is that it’s not just jo/gam/sonic that feel like I’m a horribly toxic individual beyond redemption, but that there’s a possibility that anyone reading this might feel the same. No names have been named, but when I’m told it’s not just those three, and I don’t know who it is, then I feel the need to make a sweeping post regarding the situation.

Whats this all about, then?

Regarding my actions earlier this week: I said some pretty horrible things after I voluntarily left the topic and was subsequently banned. Some people may have seen Sonics topic with a few cherry picked messages. That’s not all of them.

Firstly, the way I acted and reacted outside of the topic was absolutely inappropriate and inexcusable. I literally wrote the words “I hope they die.” That’s some pretty fucked up shit, or as one person put it, “pretty ETI shit” and for that I owe everyone an apology. I do not wish death upon anyone, nor will I ever truly mean it. I’ve already apologized to sonic as he was the only one I had a method to contact, but I owe only that apology to jo and gam as well.

I also apologize for the clearly heated words fueled by anger. I do regret the things I said but not the intentions behind them. As far as the argument is concerned, on a base level, I still feel as though I was right in calling out what appeared to be blatant hypocrisy (and, since then, continues to scream hypocrisy, in my eyes). I was not ok with the attempt to oust a friend because it fit in perfectly with the heated narrative at the time, nor am I ok with the actual actions (not just words) taken to try to stifle or sway the discussion, or silence any dissent (I actually have many, many words regarding this, but it’s a better discussion via PM to prevent the drama from reigniting publicly). I had already voluntarily excused myself, but it wasn’t until the trigger on banning me was pulled that people thought it appropriate to air grievances of me, when I neither had the will or the ability to defend myself.

As of yet, the zone is still locked to me. I do not know if the “granular permissions” have been given to others. Because of this, I can’t go back and point to specific instances, but a few stuck out in my mind that absolutely do need to be addressed.

1. Gam and Sonic referred to me as a “literal wifebeater.” This is absolutely ridiculous to phrase it that way, but there’s a reason I was called that and if you saw it but aren’t sure why, you deserve an answer.
   
   

About a year ago, my wife and I were having an argument. Her stress levels had gone through the roof and in the heat of things she had locked herself in the bathroom. Knowing who she is, I forcibly unlocked the door to make sure she wasn’t harming herself. I found her in the bathtub with a razor blade, though she hadn’t cut herself. I stepped in and asked for the razor and she held it to my arm. In this instant, I slapped her. I did not do so with any amount of force to leave a mark. My only intention was to bring her back to reality, to get her to stop threatening someone trying to help her.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE WHAT I DID OK.

I make that clear because we still discuss the incident at length, and do so as adults. Never again have I struck her in any capacity. And by any definition this absolutely should not make me “a literal wifebeater.” Additionally, given the topic at hand, dropping ad-hom arguments to try to discredit me was pretty shitty. But if you didn’t know the story, that’s why I was called that.

1. There were accusations that I didn’t really want to be a part of the group and only begrudgingly followed to “keep the peace with my entourage.”
   
   

Where those ideas came from, I don’t know. I didn’t want to migrate to threadzone because, at the time, I saw no need to. Our tag was whitelisted allowing complete control of who could or could not post with us, and nobody was holding a gun to anybody’s head forcing them to click on main board topics. I have since banned myself from eti but that was due to how much of a mindless timesink it had become with me, and I only followed to threadzone because that’s where my decade-long friends decided we should post. I made my issues with it clear at the time but in no way was it an attempt to force people to stay somewhere, or to “keep peace with my entourage.” I’m not even sure where the entourage part comes in, I’m not the leader of anything and I don’t find anyone to be more of a friend to me than anyone else. And my ultimate reason for voluntarily leaving the other zone was because I refuse to associate with people with such a strong hypocritical mindset.

I do want to be a part of the group. Most of you have been around for the better part of a decade. We’ve all grown and learned from each other. But I find it sad that individuals with authority have apparently regressed.

1. It was mentioned that I’m apparently homophobic? I honestly don’t know where that came from but wow! I mean most of the group is bi at minimum and heavily homosexual at maximum, and I have absolutely no issues with people’s sexual identity or preferences, so wherever that accusation came from I don’t know, but it’s patently false.

2. I’m a toxic individual who needs professional help. Also possibly a con artist.

Now here I can see a little bit of where the idea came from but hoooo boy is that the pot calling the kettle black, and probably the thing that pissed me off the most, so this particular section is going to come across quite a bit more heated than the others, but I’ll do my best to tone it down.

It’s true, I do need professional help. I have been seeking it whenever possible but at this point in time I’m unable to continue treatment for financial reasons. Never have I denied it nor will I ever. However, this was ad-hom on a scale I thought impossible from people who once prided themselves on their ability to debate.

My toxicity I can see coming from two places: the anger that could very clearly be seen in my words while heated in an argument, and the fact that I stood up for someone they believed to be a toxic individual.

I need to make this clear because it obviously wasn’t to some: I did not, nor do I currently endorse the actions of a drunk skeleton in hitting on a married woman which in effect made her uncomfortable.

What I was disagreeing with was the mega hypocrisy rife within the argument, and even in the way the argument started. This is something I am far more willing to discuss in private than here because it’s only going to reignite drama that’s best left behind the scenes at this point.

But I stood up for what I believed was right, I stood in the face of hypocrisy, of blatant sexism, of toxicity and the will to silence dissent solely on the basis of disagreeing with someone.

We originally stripped admin access from someone who did exactly that. We admonished creepy for doing that in a drunken haze. But apparently now, doing so is ok because it fits the narrative perfectly.

If standing up against the very things our group has always been outspokenly against suddenly makes me toxic, then I’ll change my name to BPG. But I’m no more toxic than the people who chose to lock down our place of discussion, to pick up their toys and leave, to cherry pick the individuals they deem worthy enough (and even exclude some folks who weren’t at all involved in the drama), to maintain complete control of a zone meant to stagnate. To hide their issues with me, and to cowardly air them to the public only AFTER I was banned and both unwilling and incapable of defending myself. No, I’m no more toxic than that.